The weather is gloomy for the past few days and I am having a long weekend. In conditions like this I sometimes tend to get in the way of figuring out myself! Soul-searching....

Basically I love myself and there are not many things that I can think of that I want to change in myself. I am assured of this as I have people in my life who know me well and still love me.

I am severely negative and fiercely positive. And no complaints, I want to remain like this. I can take to my grave a barely perceptible frown and I can ignore and shield the darkest, deepest evil. I sometimes refuse to heal and I sometimes refuse to hurt. Of course, I don't go daggers at those who hurt me but I don't close the chapter either. Off late, I’ve been asking myself what gives me the right to sit in judgment, what gives me the right to decide that I will forgive x and remember y. I’ve been wondering if the reason why we are willing to forgive is the horror of being never forgiven in turn, of living rent-free in their minds and memories, of living in the slime-shadow of curses and wails. Maybe, the reason why we don't forgive is because it involves willfully erasing that one intense memory that still connects us to a once-loved villain. I’ve been feeling that I don't let go. Something slippery wraps itself around my soul. And if I do let go, a part of me vanishes. I can't be sure whether it's a good part or a bad one but sometimes I miss it bad.